"...Act swiftly and run like hell!"

Ah, revenge! I wish I could boast that I have executed many a fiendish plot against the multitude of enemies that I have acquired over the years. Sadly, I am more of a “plotter” than a “doer.” My problem is that I have entire Home Alone movie’s worth of revenge scenarios that I could play out at any time, but I lack the guts, motivation or means. I also think that I tend to lean more toward “vengeance” than revenge, as the people I would want to inflict harm or inconvenience on probably don’t realize that they’ve done something wrong to me. Like those silly bastards with the “W04” bumper stickers who think they’re so smart. Every time I see one of those, I would be willing to risk bodily harm to myself and my car just to run them into a guardrail. I wouldn’t have the guts to admit that was the reason either, I would blame a stray cat or a plastic bag that had floated across my windshield.

The one time recently that I could have done something actually revengeful, I waited too long and the opportunity passed. My brother-in-law is deaf and lives in the apartment above me. He came home one night to find his parking spot had already been taken by an unknown perp (I say perp because I’m pretty sure they were buying drugs from a neighbor). He had asked me to call a tow truck, but the tow company couldn’t do anything because there was no sign posted at the time. I knocked on a couple of doors to ask around—something he couldn’t very well do himself—but no one owned up to it. Since I couldn’t do much else but wait, I thought, What would be the most inconvenient thing I could do to these scumbags?

I’m not one to condone petty vandalism to another person’s car; to key a car makes no statement, other than some jackass knows how to scratch things. My car was keyed once at the mall and I didn’t really care and never got it fixed. What was the point? It was just a couple of white marks in the passenger side, not like I had to see it everyday. And it was a Cavalier, not a Lexus, so who would notice? My solution came to as if from a dream: Screws in the tires. So simple yet so ingenious! Nothing is more inconvenient than a flat tire. Add to that the fact that screws would be put into all four tires, so they wouldn’t know when or where it would happen or if it would happen at the same time. Doubly inconvenient is the fact that you (normally) cannot just patch the hole like you could with a nail. A screw is so fucked up and barby that it usually ruins the tire, thusly forcing my victim to have to buy all new tires! Brilliant! I thought this would be my time to shine: Oh you are a sly girl indeed! But with all the maniacal hand rubbing, shifty eyes, and rummaging in my tool box for loose screws, I missed my window of opportunity and the perps left without ever knowing the hell I was about to put them through.

As you can see, I’m not really much of a revengist after all. So I implore you, don’t hesitate! You can learn from my mistakes and make your own legacy. Whatever revenge situation that may come your way, grab it with everything you’ve got, act swiftly and run like hell!


Contributed by M. Maiden